Category: Monument

I Understand

Kids, its been a long time since ive posted last. How many times can you say…I LOVE YOU. Or that my heart breaks every day that I dont see you. That its been so long, your voice has changed, and I dont know even what you sound like. I miss you…everyday…every single day.

N- I got a voicemail from a male, I’m assuming it was your mom’s boyfriend. He wasnt very nice to me 🙂 I dont assume anything that they say….but I do know you said out of your own mouth that you didnt want to see me or hear from me. I understand your anger. That doesnt change how I feel about you. The only thing I will say is that holding on to anger will only stunt your emotional growth. Today, tomorrow, ten years from now, I have an open door. It is your choice if you ever open that door. I am waiting behind that door with a feast of love. I wont push you through the door…its your choice.

T- You dont know how I miss you. Your something else. I will always be proud of you. Your character is so strong! Your mind so pointed, and your wit is so sharp.

D-Honey…Ive missed your warm smile,…of course the last time I saw it, you had teeth 🙂 I close my eyes and remember sitting with you in my computer chair and watching spongebob squarepants with you. I dont even know you anymore, but I still hold on to your memory. I pray someday this situation will change. I know one day you will know the truth…and these posts will have depth for you. Even in death, my love for you will not die.

In some small way, I live in all of you. I love you all. I miss you so bad that it hurts my heart. Love, Dad.

Everyone Hurts

Hi kids. Well, its almost been a year since I’ve seen you, but it seems like 10. I know less and less of your life..and that kills me a little each day.

N- Son, your response to all this has hurt me the most. I was told you dont want to talk to me. I had hoped that you would love me for who I am, not what I am….but apparently your either too young or too rigid in your thinking of what you want from me, not what is best for me in the long run. I love you and know that I have made mistakes in my life that have affected you. I hope some day you can work past your anger and hate for me. I miss you.

D-Well honey, I hope you read this at some point. I really dont ever want you to think that I dont think of you every day …I do. I had so much drama in my life growing up. I dont want you to have to grow up with this drama. Some dont want me in your life, and legally things are set up so I cant see you. I hope some day you ll know what kind of person I am.

T-How did you do at your violin thing? Hope you did well… I am sure you did. I am very proud of your growth and your attitude. Hope you always stay true to your beliefs.

Always your father,

A Year

Its getting close to a year of me not seeing you. N- Mom told me that you no longer want to speak to me. I understand that you must be very mad at me. I hope some day you can see how hard all this has been for me. I didnt just decide one day that I wanted to switch my gender. Being a transsexual is the last thing that I wanted in my life. Only problem with that is that is who I am. If there is one hope I have for you it is that you can come to terms with who you are, at a young age, and without reservation. I denied who I am at heart, for years… and I am paying the price for it.

D- Honey I think of you every day. I am back in Indiana, because I think being here offers me the best chance to see you guys again. The only thing I’m guilty of, is finally accepting who I am. Apparently some people think you cant handle ME, and that my transsexuality might somehow harm you or cause embarrassment to you.

T- I miss talking to you. You are one of the most intelligent, bright young minds I know. Pretty funny too, almost as funny as I. Your courage and strength is amazing. You will always be in my blood, even though you are not from it.

My love and thoughts to you all

As Time Passes

D.- Every day that passes..I know you a little bit less. Dont take that not knowing as not caring. I love you more today than I ever have. I hope you know that someday.

N.-Son, I know your confused, and prolly embarrassed about your Dad. This isnt ever easy. Know that I love you, and miss you. I will always love you, and NEVER judge you.

T.- time passes…and you grow! Its amazing. I hope school is going well for you and that you continue to kick it at school. Greatness is in your future, i feel it.


Kids, today is Thanksgiving, and by all rights, I have very little to be thankful for. I dont see you anymore, and I speak to you rarely. One thing I am thankful for is your existance. I hope someday that you can understand how hurt I am, and how much I do love you. I am a piece of trash that some want to throw away and act as if I dont exist. I am, and will always be, your Dad.

My Hope

Talked to N and D today…how I miss you! N..damn son… sound so…old. I guess that means im getting old too! D, you sounded so confident…..thats a great change..Im glad you like school. Seeing you again has kept me going the last few weeks…someday my beautiful children…someday soon! I love all of you. I hope some day you will both understand why things had to be this way…and things will get better…I promise. That is one thing that I can promise you…I will never give up….NEVER. I will love you always. Love to me doesnt ever die. I have started to realize that I never mourned the passing of my marriage to your mom. Kids, I will always love mom…that will never change either. I just came to realize that the way our relationship worked out that we would never be able to both be happy together. Im so glad that she found her new boyfriend…I hope he gives her the life that I couldnt. I also hope that her back is better with the latest surgery. Well, kids…im off to work…I love you..and I cry as I write this…I will always be…


Barbie Car

Hi D, I sent you a battery for your barbie car. Every day that passes, my heart breaks a bit more….my children I love you all……I am trying to work towards being able to see you….N, D and T…I think of you every day. I hope you know at some point in your life, how much I love you.


Driving Around Town

T- My gawd you’ll be a man soon. Driving around hitting the town…with your windows rolled down….I love you.


Laugh, Cry and Remember

D- I think about you every day. It makes me laugh, and cry, because I remember who you were…but I dont know you now. Wish I could be more in your life. I love you and miss you more than you’ll ever know.


Like Me

N-Gonna see if I can call you this weekend from work…I love you so much and miss you very much. I have spent much of this week preparing for my new web site release. Got some pics from mom, look too damn much like me! I love you son.

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