I took this blog offline for a while and I’ve deleted a lot of the posts that don’t make sense being here, but I still feel the need to write. I look back over my writing and my life and see and feel where I was at the time.
In this life I’ve experienced a lot of pain, heartache, and disappointment. But I’ve also loved, and been loved in return. That’s probably the one thing in life that I value most.
Tonight is an anniversary for me as well as Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving 2003 was one of the lowest points in my life. I had recently moved to Washington DC and had a one bedroom apartment that was baren. It had a bed (from the previous owner), a small kitchen table, and that was all for furniture. The previous year had seen me lose visitation to both my son and my daughter because I was trans.
Growing up in a super dysfunctional household, I had very little in the way of nurturing. Between working full time and regularly engaging in marital battles, my mom had little quality time with us kids. I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother and grandfather (who we affectionately called "Granny" and "Poppy"). Pop was a very mean man. I can remember times he would come home for supper, and if Granny didn't have the food on the table, he'd call her every expletive in the book (with "
A friend of mine moved to Indianapolis, Indiana from New York because in his words, “Indianapolis feels like home.” As someone that’s always hated living in Indianapolis, I couldn’t understand how someone would WANT to move there. There are people I miss in Indianapolis, but I don’t miss the place itself. A year ago I moved to Wisconsin to be near my best friend. I now know what Danni was talking about.
I’ve always found great joy in music, but there are few songs that impact me to such an extent that I cry the first time I hear them. Tonight I heard the following song did:
All That We Let In - Indigo Girls
“Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it’s sticking to your skin
But we’re better off for all that we let in
Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single center line
And the brutal crossing over when it’s time
Oooooooo
(I don’t know where it all begins)
Oooooooo
(And I don’t know where it all will end)
Oooooooo
(We’re better off for all that we let in)
One day those toughies will be withered up and bent
The father son the holy warriors and the president
With glory days of put up dukes for all the world to see
Beaten into submission in the name of the free
(Recently on a progressive e-list I’m on a person pointed to the work done by Science and Public Policy Institute and suggested that we “learn the truth” about climate change. The following is my response to him)
When someone claims to hold the truth to a question I tend to want to believe them. In my own life I want truth more than anything, so I my nature is to want to believe what people say. In third grade Ricky Crawford told me that his father worked for NASA and that his father had told him secretly that aliens from Pluto were attacking and would be here in three days. For three days I cried a lot, hid a lot, and waited for news to break that the aliens were attacking. When I realized that I’d been tricked, I trusted other people a lot less.
I’ve found consistently through my life that though I want to believe what people say, I have to dig down and see if there is a more sinister or politically motivated reason underneath. Many people (Christian creationists, for example) start with a belief and amass data to support their belief while dismissing anything that doesn’t support their beliefs.
For many years I thought I needed someone else to make me whole. Someone to "complete me." I've tried many ways to find that completeness, but sometimes the cliché is the truth. The easy truth is sometimes the hardest to actualize/realize/deal with.
Ultimately I realized that I never needed anything outside my own acceptance, my own love, and my own respect. Do I want those things from other people? Yes. Do I need them to be complete?
This recording was done at a mobile StoryCorps trailer on September 16th, 2007. The StoryCorps website describes itself this way:
StoryCorps is an independent nonprofit project whose mission is to honor and celebrate one another’s lives through listening. By recording the stories of our lives with the people we care about, we experience our history, hopes, and humanity. Since 2003, tens of thousands of everyday people have interviewed family and friends through StoryCorps.
Music kept me alive and sane when I was a teen/tween. One of my favorite bands was the Zero Boys. This song crystallizes that moment in time:
[youtu.be/V_woJ7Rl2...](https://youtu.be/V_woJ7Rl2mI) The really fucked up thing about the song is that it could be written today:
Civilization's dying
And no one's realizing
The position of hate stuck inside the gun
Civilization's crying
And I won't try to deny it
We got a problem son,
Late last Wednesday I started my trek across Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin to Madison for Thanksgiving. About 2 AM on Thanksgiving morning I stopped at a 7/11 in Huntley, Illinois to take a restroom break and to get a java refill. When I brought my coffee and snacks up to the counter the cashier tried to make small talk, and said: “So did you just come from the Turkey Testicle Festival?
I recently wrote about my high school experience over at Classmates.com:
I had so much bad stuff going on in my life, I came to school to get away from the drama at home. I really didn’t care to do the work (something I regret now). School was more of a social hour for me than anything else. But there were a few teachers that stood out for me. It took me 4 years to pass 10th and 11th grade English (if you count summer school as a year).
Recently I went to the health department to get a copy of my birth certificate. One of the women at the ISDOH pulled me into an office to tell me, "Usually, it doesn't take so long to process this, but since you're adopted, it takes longer."
I must have looked punched... she covered her mouth and said, "You didn't know?"
So, ya... thanks, Mom.
I can’t believe it, but I’ve kinda got the workout fever thing going on. I usually try and work out Tues-Sat. Lately that workout schedule has been pretty even, and rather intense. (Friday I biked 6.5 miles, ran 2 miles, then biked back 6.5 miles. I thought I’d feel exhuasted, but I actually had the urge to run today, but didn’t because I want to give my body time to heal.
I was searching for an old post on my LiveJournal that I wanted to share with my cousin, and I started reading old posts. I read this old post and almost cried. I wrote a post called “I live, I die” on March 10th, 2004. This is an excerpt:
"I am feeling very lethargic. I think it's the meds I am on. Ive had some pretty horrid thoughts lately. I wont follow through with it though.
Today my son was complaining about how he hates being forced to read books, that it took all the pleasure out of them. Finally I had found a way to pounce on him and tell him about my love for Mark Twain! I too had the same sanitized version of Twain drilled in to me (in the very high school that my son attends). It wasn’t till I read “Letters From The Earth” that my view of Twain changed radically.
Ever been complimented and offended at the same time?
I hadn't, until today...
A woman I didn't know asked me:
"So when are you due?"
As in pregnant!
:p
I’m not sure why, but I’m really excited about the October 12th release of Elizabeth, The Golden Age.
[youtube www.youtube.com/watch
Maybe it’s because my mom’s side are Doughertys (Irish) and my dad’s side are Abernatheys/Abernathys (Scot), but there’s something about that time and place in history that pulls at me. Then again, maybe it’s just the sepreme acting of Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush. Whatever the reason, I can’t wait for it to come out.
Because I had to go pay my electric bill, I made a detour after I paid my bill and went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art. I took this pic while i was waiting for the tour on Asian art…
I love tours so much more than just walking around. It gives you so much more texture and history behind the art.
Even the grounds are beautiful…
All you need is…
Well, kinda. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to go see “Jerry Springer: The Opera.”
I mean…who can resist dancing Klansmen:
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch
I’m so there. :)
It opens in Chicago May 14th.
Post of the day goes to one of my favorite local bloggers, Steph Mineart:
"In reality, religious people seem more obsessed with anal intercourse than gay people are. So here's the thing, for all you religious homobigots out there - it's not about the butt sex. Really. And if you so obsessed with it, please just go off and do it yourself, rather than trying to bash us because of your obsessions with your own sphincter.