My Story Corps Interview

This recording was done at a mobile StoryCorps trailer on September 16th, 2007.  The StoryCorps website describes itself this way:

StoryCorps is an independent nonprofit project whose mission is to honor and celebrate one another’s lives through listening.

By recording the stories of our lives with the people we care about, we experience our history, hopes, and humanity. Since 2003, tens of thousands of everyday people have interviewed family and friends through StoryCorps. Each conversation is recorded on a free CD to take home and share, and is archived for generations to come at the Library of Congress. Millions listen to our award-winning broadcasts on public radio and the Internet. StoryCorps is one of the largest oral history projects of its kind, creating a growing portrait of who we really are as Americans.

I love doing this kind of interview. Listening to it now is like a time capsule, and it was only two years ago.

Most Significant Teachers

I recently wrote about my high school experience over at Classmates.com:

I had so much bad stuff going on in my life, I came to school to get away from the drama at home. I really didn’t care to do the work (something I regret now). School was more of a social hour for me than anything else. But there were a few teachers that stood out for me. It took me 4 years to pass 10th and 11th grade English (if you count summer school as a year). One class I didn’t fail was Mrs. Stumpf’s 11th grade English. She saw through my troubled exterior and gave me the tools to become the writer/blogger that I am today. In my teen years I searched for an outlet to express myself and be creative. She gave me the tools to find it, and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that gift.

Mr. Wright was another teacher that inspired me. It wasn’t so much how he taught or what he taught, but how he treated others. He taught through all the bullshit that was going in my life and inspired me enough to fall in love with American history and politics. He was strict in the classroom, but he was totally fair. I saw him recently and he hasn’t changed much at all. I’m sure he still talks about Cool Hand Luke and adores Ronald Reagan.

I have to include Mr Hawkins as inspiration. It wasn’t on a positive note that he inspired me. He was kind of a nasty person. But one day I was looking for my girlfriend (Suzy Adamo) and I overheard Mr. Hawkins and another teacher comment about me. In reference to me he said, “oh, he’ll never amount to anything.” That and the fact that Suzy’s parents thought I’d never “become anything”, drove me in my twenties to do all the things I did that made me successful. They both filled me with the fear of being a failure in life. I also wanted, in the back of my mind, to prove them wrong. Those words and thoughts hurt me at the time, but I’m grateful for them now.

These three teachers were the most significant to me because they all had one thing in common… impact. They cut through all my problems and spoke to my heart and inspired me to do and be a better human being. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Kinda Killed My Buzz

Recently I went to the health department to get a copy of my birth certificate. One of the women at the ISDOH pulled me into an office to tell me, “Usually, it doesn’t take so long to process this, but since you’re adopted, it takes longer.”

I must have looked punched… she covered her mouth and said, “You didn’t know?”

So, ya… thanks, Mom.

LJ Reprise – Life At This Moment

I was searching for an old post on my LiveJournal that I wanted to share with my cousin, and I started reading old posts. I read this old post and almost cried. I wrote a post called “I live, I die” on March 10th, 2004. This is an excerpt:

“I am feeling very lethargic. I think it’s the meds I am on. Ive had some pretty horrid thoughts lately. I wont follow through with it though. My father slowly killed himself and died when I was 11. I refuse to do the same to my kids, so I my life is a living hell. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to die. So I exist.”

That is exactly how I felt then. In August of 2000 I got divorced from my wife of 7 years and went into a very dark place. I stayed in that place pretty much for the next four or five years. The divorce was brutal on me. I had never felt such pain in my life. The only thing I can even closely compare it with was the death of my father.

When I wrote that paragraph above in my LJ, I hadn’t seen my children in two years. I had gotten so depressed I saw a therapist through work and they put me on Lexapro. WRONG THING TO DO FOR ME. We lived on the 29th floor of a high rise apartment and I started having fantasies about taking a nose dive off the balcony. I knew it was the meds. I stopped taking them, and those feelings stopped. But i still felt trapped in a life I hated, not wanting to live, but not wanting to die either.

I started writing my journal out of my own sense of fear, loneliness, and most of all, raw, emotionally crippling, gut clenching pain. I don’t think anyone wishes pain on themselves, but that pain did give birth to of my greatest gift, my writing. Nietzsche once said “You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.” I truly believe that.

I look back on those entries and it feels like I’m reading entries from another person. My world is so different now. I feel totally different about my life, my outlook, and my hopes and dreams. I can be alone, and be ok. I’m happy to be alive. Being joyful rocks.

It Must Be In My Blood

I’m not sure why, but I’m really excited about the October 12th release of Elizabeth, The Golden Age.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meCoQ2u_oV0]

Maybe it’s because my mom’s side are Doughertys (Irish) and my dad’s side are Abernatheys/Abernathys (Scot), but there’s something about that time and place in history that pulls at me. Then again, maybe it’s just the sepreme acting of Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush. Whatever the reason, I can’t wait for it to come out. I’m planning on going to the opening of it here in Indy. Most people that know me, know that I don’t see many movies or watch very much TV.

Anyone want to go?

Asian Art, Bills, and A Hot But Beautiful Day

Because I had to go pay my electric bill, I made a detour after I paid my bill and went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art. I took this pic while i was waiting for the tour on Asian art…

I love tours so much more than just walking around. It gives you so much more texture and history behind the art.

Even the grounds are beautiful…

All you need is…

All in all a good, relaxing day.

This made me laugh…

A comment by a fellow Alumni of my high school,

“after the reunion, i see that we have all changed. apparently not as much as marty abernathy. whatever floats ones boat, or words to that effect….”

Not really sure if that’s a dig, or not. Pffffffffft. I don’t care, it made me laugh.

Some things, like sense of humor, just get better with age.

MYSPACE: The New AOL

Sheesh. Let’s go to the Ole Myspace mailbag, shall we?

“hey babe,

my names john, i am a 22 yr old from chicago. I am very outgoing and willing to try anything once. I am a chef and curently going to culinary school. I have pics, but for now i am 5’7” tan athletic body brn eyes n hair 150 pnds, and italian. I just wanted to tell you that you are georgeous and i’d love to talk to u. Also i am very very bi curious. hehe. Could i have your yahoo id so we could chat more, or aol? Thanks hope to hear from you soon! – John”

“YEA YEA YEA….

I KNOW I DON’T KNOW YOU AND YOU DON’T KNOW ME. SO WE GOT THAT SETTLED. I WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED TO YOURS AND YOU ADDED TO MINE…. ADDING AS A FRIEND, I’AM NOT GOOD AT THIS….

SO HOW DOES THAT SOUND! I KNOW I KNOW I’AM SORRY I COULD’NT SELL YOU INSURANCE WITH THAT STUFF.
I KNOW! IT’S THE WAY YOU PUT THINGS MAINLY IN THE PART ABOUT YOUR SELF

P.S MY NAME IS JEFF

HOLLA BACK

I REALLY WANT CHAT WITH YOU I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE
SILLY . I FILL A BATTLE COMING ON————– BETWEEN WORDS
JUST FOR FUN “

“hi who are you doing tonight wanna chat hit me back -Gregg”

“want 9 inches? – K-Bo”

Sheesh. No wonder good men are hard to find.

But I saved the best for last….

“hey i can accept you being lesbian as long as your with me. sincerly ronnie i live in indy east side 632-2XXX” – Ronnie

The Rumors Are Not True… Elvis and I LIVE!

Hey there! Long time no see! 🙂 You may have wondered why I’ve become silent for so long… or maybe you don’t give a shit 😉 … but you’re gonna hear about my life anyways!

First of all, there’s Nik. Nik moving in with me (he’s lived with me since August) has drastically changed my amount of free time to blog. Not that I’m complaining, as I’m very proud of him. He turns 16 on June 10th. Wait, that can’t be…29 – 16=….NEVERMIND.

 *ahem*

He’s adjusted pretty well, all things considered. We’ve got one year of school down, three to go!!! He’s about the most out teenager I’ve ever known, and he does it with (seemingly) little shame or guilt. He and his boyfriend went to the Homecoming dance,  he’s fairly popular in school, and he’s not had any issues with being intimidated at school (that I’m aware of). He’s talking about going to school to become a Radiologic Technologist, like I am (and my mom before me). It pleases me to see this. He’s very aware of the level of security that his grandma and I have had because of our career choice and I think that has influenced his decision. So ya, he seems to be happy and heading in the right direction.

The second reason is that I’m developing my podcast, “The Fat Tranny Circus.” Ya, ya, I know that you guys voted overwhelming for “Every Nook and Tranny,” (I’ve decided to use that as the title of my autobiography) but after some consulting with fellow podcasters/broadcasters, I settled on the FTC. It encapsulates everything I want in a name. It’s funny, it’s catchy, and It’ll stop people in their tracks and say “what the hell is that?”

 I’m going to start the FTC design this weekend. The awesomeness that is Shae, has already designed my logo. She did an AWESOME job!

Now I just need to build a template to use in wordpress using this great logo. I’ve already recruited two news correspondents for the show, Jerri Stance and Roadkill Rhonda. Their contributions to the show will surely make for some interesting segments. I have a vague concept for the show, which I’m going to work on more this weekend. In conjunction with The FTC, I’ve decided to rebuild TransSister Radio. I’m not at liberty to discuss the particulars, but I’m working on the site now. I’m going to try and finish the structure of the site this weekend. I’m setting a goal for July 1st as a launch date for The FTC and August 1st for TransSister Radio.

Another cause of bloglessness is my health. In August I had a sleep study that confirmed I have sleep apnea. My doctor switched my narcolepsy medicine so that my sleep patterns would even out and that has helped regulate my sleep. I’m being fitted for CPAP as we speak and I’m due for another sleep study soon.

Between last August and now, I’ve gained close to 60 pounds. Last May I stopped doing Atkins and my weight slowly crept up until August. After Nik and I moved in October my eating and exercise habits changed drastically. I eat out more often, I walk less, and I ride my bike less. This weight gain and lack of physical activity has taken its toll on my health. My cholesterol is sky high and I get short of breath easily. The only bright side is that my breasts are bigger ;). I also found out I’m anemic, and I have a heart condition. Yes, a heart condition. According to my echocardiagram I have an enlarged left atrium (the left upper chamber of the heart) and the cardiologist suggested I be tested next year for any change in size. I’m not sure how this will effect my life, or the seriousness of it. I plan on talking with my primary care physician more about it next week. As far as my weight goes, I’ve been put on a year long medically supervised weight loss program.

The doctor that is overseeing my plan is Dr. Eve Olson of the St Francis Medical and Surgical Weight Loss Center. I’ve worked with Dr. Olson in the past (as a male) but she hadn’t seen me since my transition. On my first visit she said, “I know you but I’m not sure from where.” I said, “well, I used to be thinner and I used to live as a man.” I know she was a bit stunned, but she took it all in stride. She even joked with me about my job covering my SRS surgery. She set me set up with weekly visits with a dietitian and an exercise planner. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m not dieting. I feel like I’m eating healthy, nutritious meals that will help me lessen my health problems.

Another side effect of the weight gain has been that I’ve become somewhat of a hermit. I put off going out with friends and dread public outings. I am embarrassed at how much weight I’ve gained. Oddly enough, it hasn’t really affected my passing ability. I very rarely have anyone referring to me with male pronouns. Most of the people that do use male pronouns are people that knew me before transition. I would say at least 98 percent of those that don’t know my history, use female gender pronouns. Most of my feelings have to do with the shame of being this fat, not gender issues or fears.

Lastly, I’ve been sucked into the world of Second Life. If you want to see me in SL, email me and I’ll send you SL name. Second Life is a way for me to explore aspects of my personality that I couldn’t explore “in real life” (IRL). I’ve met many new people from around the world and friended a few more. It’s a little bit chat room, a bit theatre, and a bit video game. I’m definitely hooked.

All in all, there have been many changes in my life that have caused me to not be able to blog. Once I have my diet and exercise regimen settled, I am going to sit down and figure out how I can post regularly to all three of my blogs. I miss writing so much. I hope that you see many more thoughts, opinions, and ideas from me for a long time to come…

at least that’s the plan.

I love ya,
Marti Abernathey

Robin Hood

As I was getting ready for work, I sat at my PC and talked with onr of my favorite LJ’ers, angiewarhol, about “The Justice League”, and it somehow fired a synapse that triggered a memory about my childhood.

I get very few crystal clear glimpses of my past and my transsexuality. Usually, it is just a warm memory that is fuzzy at best. For some reason, tonight, I remembered a theatrical presentation of Robin Hood that my 3rd-grade class (not sure exactly sure of the grade)  was presenting. As one of the merry men of Robin’s troup, I had to wear tights. This made me extremely uncomfortable! How weird to feel that same uncomfortableness all these years later!  I can still taste the anxiety and dread….. I was worried that someone might figure out my hidden desire. Wearing those tights made me feel things I would rather not feel. Looking back, I felt pretty, feminine, and soft when I wore the tights. Those were feelings a young boy in a family of homophobes and bigots shouldn’t feel. Too bad that little boy/girl wasn’t allowed to express who she was…

Its taken her 35 years, and she is still trying to crawl out from under than shame. The difference is, that she has loving, supportive people around her now. 🙂